Seven Months Too Late

He Finally asked me to come back…

I said no

The first 6 months of my life unhinged was an emotional rollercoaster but I am finally getting into my groove.  I think.

My husband came to town for a couple of days with the sole purpose of asking me if I would consider coming back to him, Colorado, and all of my dreams.  I said no.  I did’t even really have to think about it because when I do, I get that sick sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like I did every time I had to go back after visiting my family here in the South over the last 8 years.  Colorado isn’t home anymore and neither is the house that was our dream home.  I have moved on and am happy to say that I am finally at peace with my Nomadic life and I think it suits me just fine!  My heart is actually full of compassion for him because he finally realizes that he doesn’t love her like he thought and they aren’t together anymore.  (Bawaaa) I’m sure they will still be a part of each others lives and I truly wish him the best.  Her, not so much but that’s just me.

Finding My Niche

I am finding that working seasonal jobs leaves me plenty of time and money to travel and kickstart my freelance writing.  My focus for now will be writing articles about Airbnb spaces and for a few months this will be a FREE  service so if you or anyone you know  has a space you want me to write about, contact me here.  Eventually, I will also write articles on other things like interesting towns to visit, covered bridges, cafe’s and other unique places.

I just booked my first Airbnb cabin to write about!   The Ouachita River Cabin Queen Room, Malvern AR.  I’m going to visit my ex-mother-in-law and will spend one night here and interview Mr. Bill.  Stay tuned!

 

 

Where Do I Belong?

The best way to start this section is to just start typing…I have so many thoughts running through my mind and so much fear trying to put road blocks up at every turn that it’s driving me crazy.  I just don’t know where I belong in this world.  If you read my blog from the beginning, you know that I left my husband, my home, my job and everything I had known for the last 15 years because he wanted someone else.  My life has changed drastically over the last 5 years and nothing is as it seemed.  Now I am trying to piece my life together using new puzzle pieces and the part of the puzzle that contains my work life is eluding me.

work life puzzle

My most valuable resources for information are my two sons and their wives.  My oldest son Terrance is a trainer for Samsung.  He literally worked his way up the ladder and he did it by absorbing every bit of knowledge he could about cellular phones back when they first came out.  He would print everything he could find on the subject until he had more notebooks on this information than he did on all of his school materials combined!  He didn’t know the particular turns he would make on this path but he took them as they came along and he is now in a good place with more opportunities still in front of him.

My son Tyler also worked his way up by starting at the bottom.  He started working for a lighting company when he was 18 as a warehouse employee.  This company stuck with him during his learning years because they saw his potential.  He was promoted to warehouse manager and even when the company hit hard times and had to cut his pay, he stuck with them.  They bounced back and he was right there with them.  Today he is a store manager for this company and is their go-to guy for bringing stores to an A-rating.  Next step is the regional managers position, I am sure!

So here is my dilemma and please send me your thoughts, advice and experiences on this matter.  I would love to see the input from my readers.

Is my personality holding me back?  I am a very passive person. People very quickly see me as malleable and not one to stand my ground right away.  When I was a young mother, this was not the case in my personal life but in the workforce I have always been the subordinate.  It isn’t that I don’t have leadership skills or potential, I just don’t have the confidence and it shows.

Fear.  That is what I have.  Second guessing everything from my age and how much time I have left to find my niche , to my ability to perform when things get tough or confrontatin occurs.   How does a person with my personality move into the workforce as a leader? What can I do to conquer the fear of confrontation? Of failure?  Dealing with employees on their personality level does not come natural to me as it does with some other leaders.  I always see myself as an equal or less than others and I get ran over every time.  When I think about the bosses  I’ve had in the past and what made them seem like successful manages to me, I see the respect and compassion they had for their employees while still coming across as the one in charge.  This is why I think I could do it. Reading people and picking up on their needs comes natural to me.   I just have to learn how to manage the personalities of employees in a way that helps them be their best while protecting myself from being ran over.  A manager doesn’t have to be stern 24/7 to get people to do their jobs but they can’t be a pushover either.  It’s a fine line that I want to learn about.

So, I am researching what books to read on leadership, reading blogs and articles on it,  I’ve even signed up for classes on Lynda.com to help me learn some of the basics.  If I need to take a class at the local college, I can do that too.  I have nothing but time on my hands right now so this is the perfect time for me to learn as much as I can.

My son Terrance has let me bounce my interests off of him and he is always there with reminders of what I have accomplished over the years.  My son Tyler gives me examples of how he handles confrontation with his employees and is teaching me different strategies to do the same.  Both of them and their wives encourage me to pinpoint what it is that I want to do and go from there.  But that’s just it;  I always come back to what do I want to do that is realistic?  I love to write but that won’t pay for health insurance.  Sometimes I think that the things I really love to do are just a fantasy in my head.  I would love to buy a truck and a camper and go do the “Workamper” thing and make money writing and working odd jobs at the campsites.  Again, that might not carry me through the next 10 years to retirement and should probably be a side gig for later.

The cleaning industry is what I have been in since I was 18.  Starting out cleaning in a hospital Surgical Unit, patient rooms and offices, moving into the hotel industry for 6 years (my favorite!) and finally, having my own cleaning business in two states for over 20 years now. Million dollar homes in Georgia and Colorado.

Other interests are in the health industry.  I am a certified personal trainer but it’s not where my heart is anymore.  I have worked as a Private Care Giver part-time for 15 years as well as working in the nursing homes in the Activities Department.  These things are close to my heart but not where I want to be at this point of my life.

So what do you think? I need thoughts that are outside of my own head.  I need help.        I need knowledge.  An arrow showing  “Look here”!  Anything that you think would help would be appreciated.  Thank you faithful readers!

 

 

My Brother’s Son

Folks, this is how I think of my Son, living large and loving life.
I long for that bright and shining morning when we will be able to talk once again.
Until then my Son, enjoy the view !!

IMG_3002This past week has been a nightmare.  Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse.  They did.  My plan for last week was to go to my mom’s on Saturday, July 1st to help get her to the Dr. for more tests to find out why she is so sick and rapidly losing weight.  Thoughts of cancer, tumors and death starting to creep in to my heart and mind.  Trying to keep her calm and encouraged and taking some of the responsibility off of my siblings that live closer.  Instead, I look at my phone on Friday, June 30, and see several missed calls from my sister Sherrie and several from my brother Chuck.  I called my sister, thinking it had to be something bad even though her text message said to call her asap and that it wasn’t mom.

In an instant, our lives changed once again.  I had to hear the words that my oldest brother Chuck has just been told his 33 year old son was found dead in his apartment.  My mind reeled back in time when I got that phone call about my own son being found dead in his apartment and the whirlwind of emotion I was thrown into.  Now my brother was in that same storm.  I’m trying to put my finger on exactly what I felt at that moment and it was dread.  Dread for the road I knew my brother now how to walk down.  It’s a dark and painful road that seems to take forever to get down.  He is in for a rollercoaster of emotions that I never wanted anyone I love to ever experience.  But here he is.

I left immediately to go be with my mom to help her cope with the news as we knew it would add to her stress and someone needed to be there for her as well as my brother.  Chuck has an amazing wife and she is his rock.  She has a heart of gold and is smart as they come so I am grateful he has a love in his life to help him on this journey.  When I saw my brother that first day, I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was prepared to hold him up if he broke down and I have never seen my brother waver emotionally.  He had his composure about him and seemed to want to focus on the good memories.  He took me to the graveyard where he wants himself and his wife laid to rest and I watched him measure in his head, laying plans for these events and I thought to myself, “He is being too strong for day one of this nightmare”.  That evening he posted some video’s on Facebook of his son Victor as a child and I knew right then that he was about to hit that wall of grief.  And he did.  The next day wasn’t so kind to his heart but he rode that rollercoaster like a boss.  That entire week was emotionally draining for my brother and his wife as they had to call people and retell the story, take calls and retell the story, make arrangements, and worse of all, they had to go clean out his son’s apartment.  No parent should have to do this.  I did it and it was torture.  You will see the spot your child took his last breath, you might even see the clothes they had on when they passed or the iv bags the EMT’s leave behind showing that an attempt to save your child’s life was made.  You will see their life as they saw fit to live it.  How they decorated, what photo’s they chose to have displayed of family and friends, the magnets on their fridge, the books on their shelves and most importantly, the mementos of their childhood they chose to hang onto into adulthood. So there was some good things my brother got out of this horrible task and it does help to balance the nightmare you feel you are in at the moment.  I have to admit, I never thought that this would touch anyone in my family again but it has and now I need to be there for my brother and counsel him anyway I can.

I guess the lesson here is; if you can help someone get through a tough time because you have been through it too, then do it.  Use what you have experienced to help someone else cope.  Help them find the strength to keep their eyes open for that pin light of hope that is at the end of the tunnel because they might not be able to see it yet, just like you couldn’t.  You know it’s there so just give them your strength to keep walking towards it.

When you lose a loved one, life will never be the same, it will just be different.  In order to heal , you have to embrace that new life in your own time and at your own pace.  Just remember:  Be Strong.  Be Brave.  Be Fearless.  You are never alone.

My Mom…A Woman Of Great Character

IMG_2119To fully explain my mother, I would have to go back to her childhood so I will just take you from a few years back to now.  My father had so many strokes during his 50’s and 60’s that he eventually became bed-ridden and mom was his care giver from about the age of 50 to 81.  As most women of her generation are.  Up at 4am and at his beckon call 24/7.  During those last 6 years she had to bathe him, feed him, turn him over in his hospital bed regularly, cut his hair, administer his medications and find things for him to do to occupy his time when he was awake.  Her friend Mary who was an RN, helped take care of my dad in his last few months and eventually moved into the home.  The last few weeks, mom and Mary watched my dad go into the semi-coma that the elderly go into as they are dying and they were both there to witness his last breath.  My mom is a woman of great character who puts everyone’s needs before her own and she seemed to handle my dad’s death with great strength so she immediately started trying to help her friend Mary who was also in poor health by this time.

Fast forward two years and my mom is now suffering from the havoc that a lifetime of nerves, stress and emotional trauma can reek on the human body and spirit.  We thought that after my dads passing maybe she, in time, would be able to enjoy some time living her life and enjoy some of the things she never got to do.  Instead, she is literally worrying herself to death.  She weighs 97.4 lbs as of yesterday ( normal weight is 130 ) and she has two more Dr. appointments over the next two weeks that will, hopefully, give us some answers.

My patience with her constant doting is very thin and I am so ashamed of how short I feel when she does the things she does.  It brings me to tears when I feel this way because I start thinking , “She just wants to spend time with me and be a part of what I’m doing ” and I  just want her to sit and relax but she can’t.  It stresses me out when someone is “underfoot” so to speak and I just don’t handle it well.  Over the last 15 years, I have taken care of many peoples elderly parents and I have all the patience in the world with them but, as I have told my clients, “It is different when it’s your own parent”.  We just have less patience with our own blood for some reason.  It isn’t fair and doesn’t make sense but it is what it is.  From this day to her last, I will not be impatient , I will let her be herself while still encouraging her to relax and unwind.  I fear she won’t be around much longer if they don’t find out what is wrong with her and get her on the mend.

My lesson to you on this is, try with all your mite to be patient and kind at all times possible.  Our families need our love and support especially when they are sick and afraid.  If they want to draw near to you, let them.  If they need your love, give it to them.  I know that not all families have good relationships so I realize this might not apply to everyone reading this but just try to find your compassion with people in general.  If you instantly get frustrated or angry in traffic because the car in front of you didn’t go when they were supposed to, take into consideration that maybe they just had a heart attack or something serious is going on.  Take the time to acknowledge other people and their needs as well as their emotional state and just BE KIND and then choose your reaction when you see the true situation.  Just remember to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, smile at strangers, be happy, healthy and kind.  Letting the world eat you alive is no way to live.